So, What the Heck is a Nest of Gundarks Anyway?
by ardavenport
Summary: Obi-Wan searches for his transport. Star Wars / Monty Python mix.


**So, What the Heck is a Nest of Gundarks Anyway?**

by ardavenport

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It was a dark and stormy night...dark as space and stormy, rainy, miserable and damp-socks yukky as...space isn't.

Jedi Knight Master Obi-Wan Kenobi sheltered amidst the craggy rocks away from the cold, pouring rain, the biting gale, though he was still vulnerable to lightning strikes. The water on this planet was so wet that it soaked him clean through to the underwear, even through his instant-drying wardrobe and hairdo. Kenobi wished he could find a lake to dive into; he would be drier that way. And he could get out of the wind.

iWhere was that transport?/i

How could he possibly lose a gilt-gold, three-engine, fully-loaded, hyper-hyperdrive personal cruiser anyway? It even glowed in the dark. Anakin would never stop laughing about it.

iWeather must be worse than I thought./i

But he was still a Jedi. He pulled his sopping robe around him and nudged his way out of the shelter of the rocks and turned once again to his goal, the summit and the outpost above. Thunder rumbled above.

It was a primitive outpost, roughly made of stacked stone, a rough, dark pile rising from the tallest peak against the stormy sky.

And then...

The rain slackened. Squinting upward, droplets falling off his beard and dribbling down his chin.

Bright and golden, he saw the transport, gleaming under the low, heavy clouds above, just over the outpost.

iWhat? How did it get up there? Even Anakin couldn't park it there. Could he?/i

Suddenly the landing lights went out; the ship vanished into the darkness. Kenobi started and climbed up the rock toward the outpost, high overhead. He clung to wet, slippery rocks, creeping upwards. His foot slipped...

"Oh, bugger this."

Kenobi seized a great wad of Force about him and lifted up, over the inconvenient and over-dramatic rock-scape and landed neatly at the primitive wooden door of the outpost.

"Open the door!"

Wham, wham, wham!

"Open the door!"

Wham, wham, whan"

"In the name of the Galactic Republic, open the door!"

Kenobi jumped back.

"Ow!" He stuck his thumb in his mouth. He leaned on the door, his teeth trying the squeeze out the sliver in the fleshy of the digit.

The door opened.

"Oooh."

Jedi Knight Master Obi-Wan Kenobi lay fell in a soggy pile of Jedi robe and Jedi tunic and Jedi boots and Jedi everything. His lightsaber jabbed him in the left thigh. The door creaked and slammed shut behind him.

"Hello," a very sweet, feminine voice said suddenly in multiple overtones.

He looked up.

"Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Gundark."

A beautiful blond woman, dressed all in white from head to toe smiled benevolently down on him. Her perfectly clean, white gown went all the way down to her dainty little feet. Her head was framed by draping white gauze over a flat, cylindrical hat on her pretty head. She held a flaming torch over her head. Which didn't make any sense to Kenobi since there were perfectly good light panels above. He wondered if she didn't want to set him on fire.

"The Castle Gundark?" Kenobi asked, befuddled. Other woman in satiny white gowns stood behind the first one and looked at him with wondering eyes.

"Yes. It's not a very good name, is it?" she responded contritely before continuing on perkily. "Oh, but we are nice! And we will attend to your, every, every need!"

"You know you've got my ship parked on top of this...castle?" he asked, still soggy, on the floor.

"Your what?"

"My ship. My transport. It was just there."

This concept didn't seem to register so she switched to something that her brain liked much better. "Oh but you are tired and must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!" Two very young and attractive girls rushed forward, one with long, dark hair, the other a slender Twi-lek with gold bands decorating her green head lekku.

"Yes, Oh Zoot!" they replied together, enthusiastically.

"Prepare a bed for our guest."

"Oh thankyou, thankyou, thankyou, thankyouthankyouthankyouthan–"

"Away, away, varletesses!" she cut them off, shooing them on to their duties. She extended a hand to Kenobi.

"The beds here are warm and soft," the told him, helping his up. "And very, very big."

"Well look, I...I...uh–"

"What is your name, handsome Knight?"

"Obi-Wan Kenobi. Of the Jedi Order."

"Mine is Zoot." She moved closer to him. "Just Zoot." She wore quite a lot of perfume. She put her small, perfectly manicured hand on his shoulder, guiding him away. "Oh, but come!"

"No, please!" He went with her, up some short stairs down a hallway. "The transport. You must have an upper hatch here somewhere."

She didn't seem to hear him. "You have suffered much." Her hand caressed the arm of his rapidly drying robe. "You are delirious."

"No look, I just saw it! It's here–" his voice rose, just on the edge of frantic. He started to pull away.

"Sir Obi-Wan!" She pulled him back. "You would not be so un-gallant as to refuse our hospitality?"

"Well, I–I–I..." he stammered back. He was perfectly dry now, his clothes having had time to get ahead of the wet. His mullet once again was fluffed and ready for action. She took his arm and led him again.

"Oh, I'm afraid our lives must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half. Cut off in this castle with no one to protect us." She looked at him pleadingly. "Oh, it is a lonely life." She turned a corner and put the torch in a wall sconce.

"Bathing. Dressing. Undressing. Making exciting underwear." She led him up some stairs, through a low doorway. She pulled him into a small, gray bedroom with more torches, overhead light panels and a single, wide bed in the room's center.

"We are just not used to handsome Knights." He started to pull away, heading back toward the stairs. But she had a good grip on his arm. "Nay, nay, come, come! You may lie here." She eased him onto the bed and then saw his thumb, sticking out under the sleeve of his robe.

"Oh, but you are wounded!" Zoot fretted over the punctured thumb.

"No, no, it's nothing." He denied, a touch of panic in his voice.

"Oh you must see the doctors immediately!" Her voice climbed into a higher octave. He tried to slide off the bed but she restrained him. She was stronger than she looked.

"No, no, please." She eased his legs onto the bed and clapped his hands together, commanding two more young girls in white gowns into the room, to the bedside.

"Well, what seems to be the trouble?" a dark haired, dark-eyed beauty asked. She had thick, gold plaited braids hanging under her white veil.

"They're doctors?!" Kenobi exclaimed.

"Uh, they have a basic medical training, yes," Zoot fudged. Kenobi started to rise, but Zoot had him trapped. "Oh come, come. You must try to rest." He stayed on the side of the bed furthest away from the two 'doctors' and kept his Jedi robe tightly wrapped about him. Zoot bowed to them.

"Doctor Piglet, Doctor Winston. Practice your art," she instructed.

They both slid onto the bed with him. Doctor Winston, a veiled, purple-hued Twi-lek with long, slender hands started unwrapping the Jedi robe from his lower body.

"Try to relax," Doctor Piglet instructed in a low voice as she went to work on the upper. She didn't pay any attention to his thumb.

"Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?" Kenobi asked, his speech rapid. Piglet smiled.

"We must examine you." He looked up at the ceiling, trying to ignore their hands. Winston has his Jedi robe open. His lightsaber had slid over to the middle of his belt and was hanging down toward his crotch. She gently lifted it up.

"There's nothing wrong with that!" he told her.

"Please," Piglet reassured him. "We are doctors." She reached for the lightsaber as well.

"No! This cannot be!" Kenobi leaped off the bed, away from them. "I am a Jedi!"

"Back to your bed at once." Piglet commanded. He ignored her.

"Torment me no longer. I"m only here for my transport."

"There's no transport here," Piglet responded. She and Winston stayed demurely in their places while Kenobi frantically gathered himself together.

"I saw it! I saw it!" He straightened his lightsaber and rushed out through a curtained exit.

"Oh."

Kenobi stumbled into a fabulous boudoir filled with dozens of beautiful young girls all dressed in various styles of white, silk and satin gowns and gauze. He staggered forward.

"Oh, oh, oh," the women breathily exclaimed as he passed among them, through their thin, draping curtains, past the very soft, big beds they lounged on, their hands caressing over his arms and legs, his back and stomach, and grazing past his...lightsaber.

"Hello."

"Hel-low."

"Hello. Hello. Hello." They all sounded very glad to see him. He found the exit.

"Zoot!"

"No, I am the clone of Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo." Kenobi didn't believe her, but at the moment he didn't really care, either.

"Oh, well, excuse me–" She blocked his way.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm only looking for my transport. I've seen it. Above this outpost."

Zoot's look-alike looked worried, then stricken.

"Oh, no. Oh, nooo! Bad, bad Zoot."

"What is it?"

"Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot," she rambled. "She has been setting a light to our beacon. Which I've just remembered is transport-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem," she explained. Kenobi really didn't believe this either.

"It's not a real transport?" he asked anyway.

"Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil, Zoot! Oh, she is a bad person and must pay the penalty!" Suddenly, she turned, looking off to the camera.

"Do you think this scene should have been cut?" she asked, conversationally. "We were so worried when the boys were writing it. But now we're glad! It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think."

"At least ours was better visually," said three Jedi Council members, a Coruscant traffic jam visible behind them outside the towers of the Jedi Temple.

"At least ours was committed, " said Qui-Gon Jinn as he yanks on Jar-Jar Binks's tongue over a hot, boiling pot of oil in a grimy Tatooine hovel. "It wasn't just a string of pussy jokes."

"On with it, get," said Master Yoda, floating down a wide staircase.

"Yes, get on with it!" yelled a holographic Sidius.

"Yes, get on with it!" bellowed a line of clone troopers.

"Oh, I am enjoying this scene," exclaimed Zoot's presumed sister's clone.

"Get on with it!" commanded George.

She sighed, then she resumed. "Oh, wicked, wicked Zoot!" And rushed off. Kenobi followed.

"She must pay the penalty." They reentered the boudoir and soon were surrounded by attractive, nubile young women in white. "And here in Castle Gundark we have but one punishment for setting alight the transport-shaped beacon.

"You must tie her down on a bed. And spank her," she proclaimed.

"A spanking! A spanking," all the young women around them exclaimed. Kenobi looked about, confused.

"You must spank her well, and after you have finished spanking her, you may deal with her as you like. And then..." She touched his arm. "...you must spank me."

"And spank me!" a woman near them said.

"And me!"

"And me!"

Volunteers from all around them moved closer.

"Yes. You must give us all a good spanking!" Zoot's clone proclaimed.

"A spanking, a spanking, a spanking," girls all around them jiggled with excitement, taking up the call. Zoot's clone raised her hand to interrupt.

"And after the spanking, the oral sex!" she announced. The excitement in the room rose. There was a rumbling from above. A blue lightsaber started cutting through an upper wall.

"Well, I could stay a bit longer," Kenobi speculated. A round of rock wall flew out with Jedi Padawan Anakin Skywalker leaping after it to the ground, his lightsaber ready.

"Master!" he rushed up to Kenobi.

"Oh hello," Kenobi answered his Padawan, confused.

"Quick! Quick!"

"Why?"

"You're in great peril!" He began hustling the older Jedi out of the middle of the crowd of willing young women.

"No he isn't!" Zoot's clone cried, grabbing Skywalker's muscular arm.

"Silence foul temptress!" Skywalker raised his lightsaber to her.

"She's got the point." Kenobi stopped him.

"Come on! I'll cover your escape." Women with pleading looks and cries of "No, no!" parted before Skywalker's lightsaber.

"No I'm fine," Kenobi insisted.

"This way. The transport's on the roof."

"Anakin, I can tackle this lot single-handed."

"Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!" Zoot's clone agreed. The other beautiful girls repeated this cry with fervor.

"No, Obi-Wan. Come!" Skywalker wrestled his struggling Master away from the grasping female hands.

"No, Anakin. Honestly. I can handle this lot easily."

"Oh, yes," the girls agreed. "Let him handle us easily." Dozens of young voices joined in the pleading.

"Wait, wait! I can defeat them!" Kenobi insisted. "There's only a hundred and fifty of them!"

"Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily!" Zoot cried, her voice going up to a high pitched wail of despair. "We haven't a chance!" All the other girls behind her agreed in a rush of desperate voices.

Skywalker slung Kenobi over his shoulder and Force leaped back up through the hole in the wall.

Their target lost, their cries died down. Zoot's clone looked up at the hole.

"Oh sh–"

On the roof, Anakin, his master still squirming over his broad shoulders, hurried toward the ship, hovering just above, it's landing ramp down.

"I was in the nick of time. You were in great peril."

"I don't think I was," Kenobi denied.

"Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril."

"Look, let me go back in there and face the peril."

Skywalker shook his head, keeping a firm grip on Kenobi's leg and arm. "No, it's too perilous."

"My duty as a Jedi is to sample as much peril as I can."

"No we've got to leave. Come on." Skywalker headed up the ramp.

"Well, let me just have a little bit of peril?"

"No. It's unhealthy."

"I bet you're gay." Kenobi's voice came from inside the ship.

"No I'm not." The ramp closed on Skywalker's last words. With a roar of engines, the ship rose into the stormy night sky.

**— END —**

(This story was first posted on tf.n 2-Jan-2008)

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**Disclaimer:** All characters and situations belong to George and Lucasfilm; I'm just playing in their sandbox.


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